Tuesday, June 5, 2012

'Not to set trip but my car jets west, as I drift over cliff, the sunset yes, it's me and myself.'

It’s a funny feeling when something, or somebody, has an impact on you. For me, it feels like a little niggle, an itch you can’t quite scratch, something implanted in the back of your mind that just won’t let up no matter how hard you try to get rid. I can remember one of the last times a film made a truly remarkable impact on me because the feelings I had weren’t entirely positive, and they lingered. I was sombre, retrospective, almost verging on numb. It was after I’d been to see Revolutionary Road, years ago now, and I struggled for almost a week afterwards trying to surmise how I felt about it in words. I couldn’t even discuss it eloquently, let alone put it to paper like I was meant to. To this day, I still don’t know what exactly it was that carried such an emotional weight for me. I still maintain it was because I felt so conflicted; I lacked sincere empathy and emotion for the characters, and yet I thought the point being made was a profoundly complex one; life had trapped these people and made them so desperately unhappy that is was almost unbearable to watch. It was a claustrophobic tale of suburbia that frightened me to the point that I couldn’t even reach a conclusion to whether I liked it or not as a piece of film.  Needless to say, Revolutionary Road still baffles me. Or should I say, the reaction I had towards it does.

There have been films that have touched me, left a marked impression and encouraged me to probe deeper into issues and my feelings towards them. To me, this is a stamp of incredible film-making. If you can carry a piece of cinema with you long after the credits have rolled, in this age of forgettable storytelling, you have achieved quite a feat. Senna does this.

I watched it twice within a matter of days, at the recommendation of a friend whose praise was so ridiculously high that I almost did it more to appease her than satisfy my own curiosity. I’ve always nursed a vague interest in Formula One. This comes from my days working Sundays at an old man’s pub in a neighbouring little village during one summer holiday from university. One of the regulars was an engineer and used to take great delight in explaining some of the finer details of the cars to me. Almost all of it went straight over my head, but I found a respect for the crafting and construction of the machines themselves.  When I think back, that is what I always liked about racing; the technical aspect, the innovations, the amazing engineering. I can safely say I never once thought about the ability or mindset of a Formula One driver. More the fool, me.

Enter stage left, Senna. I almost feel stupid for not having paid much attention to the name before, and for not realising the impact that his name alone has, both in sport and outside of it. The documentary itself is verging on flawless. It is brilliantly constructed, superbly edited and utterly compelling from the outset. An outpouring of adjectives, but justly so. The story, charting Senna’s rise to the top of F1, his bitter rivalry with one-time teammate Alain Prost to his ultimate death in Imola, is paced just right. There are no tangents or talking heads to distract the audience from the man himself and what he achieves on, and off, the track. The racing scenes, intercutting television archive footage and film taken from cameras on the cars themselves, are transporting. It is an extremely effective editing technique, setting the perfect sense of tone and pace, and creating insurmountable tension at the appropriate moment. And, of course, it’s the fact it is all real that really makes it pitch-perfect.

But all of this is serving a purpose, and that purpose is to highlight the fascinating scope of its subject. Senna is dedicated to the point of reckless, motivated by a desire to win that is verging on self-destructive, spiritual to an extent that his peers believe him to consider himself immortal. More than anything else, this is a film about a human being. There have been criticisms of Senna that suggest it doesn’t transcend much beyond a deftly-edited sports documentary or a well-rounded biography, and that it verges on voyeurism and hagiography. I think that perhaps these particular reviewers are maybe missing the point. What makes Senna work so brilliantly, in my humble opinion, is the attempt to truly try and understand this man. His dedication to his profession is resolute, and totally transparent. There are references to his desire to be the best, to win; underpinned by flashes of the lengths he will go to to do so. Yet, he is conflicted, constantly reminded of man’s own mortality and the ambiguous relationship this has with the very nature of motor racing. It is a portrait of an extremely complex man, whose compassion and success made him for somewhat of a national idol in his native Brazil. Senna himself borders on the edge of paradox; on one hand, here is a man who oozes humanity, who will risk his life mid-race at the scene of a crash to help an injured driver; on the other, here is a man who knows no bounds, who will force collisions and place those around him in jeopardy, in order to win. It is almost mystifying how one person’s values and beliefs can clash with such intensity.

For me, the real impact of Senna is Senna himself. I found that racing took on this new philosophical level for me that I didn’t really know to be possible. I had never looked at it from that angle before, never paid it any consideration at all really, until this film. That these men have a certain connection with their own mortality on a day-to-day basis is sort of staggering in my eyes. Then, when you try to place it into some context and realise that this relationship centres upon a basic, competitive desire to be the best – that is when the whole concept transforms into something else entirely. These are men who face death for the thrill, the enjoyment, the adrenaline. But they also do it to win. To beat everybody else. This is what separates them from bungee-jumpers, sky-divers, white-water rafters, other adrenaline junkies. Ayrton Senna once said "By being a racing driver you are under risk all the time. By being a racing driver means you are racing with other people. And if you no longer go for a gap that exists, you are no longer a racing driver because we are competing, we are competing to win. And the main motivation to all of us is to compete for victory, it's not to come 3rd, 4th, 5th or 6th." The notion that in order to be a true competitor you must flirt with danger and put yourself on the knife edge is enthralling, yet startling. Racers are a different breed. They know the risks, become the closest spectators to crashes, injuries and deaths, accept it and carry on regardless.

There is a video I came across while I was trying to find out more about the mentality of the drivers which moved me to tears. It is the footage of the 1973 Dutch Grand Prix in Zandvoort, which shows a frantic David Purley witness Roger Williamson’s car crash, skid along the circuit and burst into flames. He stops his car, runs across the track and tries to flip the burning vehicle before grabbing a fire extinguisher from a nearby fireman and attempts to the put out the blaze. He is almost frenzied in his efforts, clearly exasperated by the lack of help he is getting from the stewards and race personnel, who have nothing to protect them from the flames. It is not until the end of the recording, when his efforts prove futile and he is led away, that the desperation of the moment truly hits you. Purley is distraught, fuelled by anger in this moment, this one moment when nothing was done. A man’s life was lost and drivers were not stopping, fire engines were not racing to the scene, communication had broken down. It is gut-wrenching. People may say that it is ‘instinct’ to react in the same way in that moment, that ‘anybody would do the same’, but that footage shows a remarkable man embark on a selfless act of valour alone, beaten by circumstance  and a system unable to cope with the destructiveness that can occur within the blink of an eye. And yet, did it stop David Purley from racing? I doubt I even need to provide the answer.


Drivers rarely talk about this aspect of the sport but, when they do, they generally speak of an ability to shut the possibilities from their minds, a refusal to think of the consequences of a serious shunt. And that is a gift given only to the young. As one gets older, one's own mortality forces its way into the conscious mind and racing becomes more of a balance between the risks and the enjoyment. That is the point at which thoughts of retirement from F1 begin to occur.

This observation is particularly interesting to me, mostly due to the reference of ‘shutting the possibilities from their minds’. There is a lot of talk of mental strength in sport, but I would argue that such a high level of focus is not necessary in most sports professions. That said, I am not a sportsperson, so am ill-equipped to make an informed comment, but the concentration required from a racing driver seems to eclipse most other high-profile examples I can think of. I was having a conversation with a friend recently about F1 in which he likened the intense focus of the mind during a race to that essential to the fundamental ability to meditate. To paraphrase somewhat, he said drivers must block out all other thought and concentrate solely on the present. Thought of the future is limited to the immediate; what manoeuvre they must subsequently make, which corner on the circuit is next, how to overtake the driver in front. Everything else must be blocked from the mind, including fear, anxiety, self-consciousness and anger. Sometimes you can see it happening. Drivers let outside forces enter their minds and a mistake is made, the race can be lost, and sometimes, the faltering grip they have on the present leads them to crash.

“For a racing driver to gear his mind up to the level of concentration where his instinctive reactions can be relied upon totally can be quite a stressful process of preparation, involving purging the mind of all extraneous considerations. Outside influences are not welcome during this period. As five-times World Champion Juan Manuel Fangio observed: 'A driver gets very tense when someone comes to talk to him before a race. That is a time when one prefers to be alone, to think, and to be calm and collected.’”

“The moment you pass the chequered flag boom! - your mind goes down. You're just holding your mind, holding it, holding it, to the chequered flag. Then it falls to the ground. At Francorchamps this year, where we all had to go through the stress of three starts, when I saw the red flag come out for the second time, I had to suppress a desire to jump out of the car and walk away for the rest of the afternoon. It can be that intense! – Senna

The psychology of a racing driver is absolutely fascinating, but also relatively difficult to comprehend properly. Having never experienced it, you find yourself relying on the testimony of the drivers themselves, who seem fairly reluctant to fully discuss it. Senna is one of the few drivers who seemed willing to express himself honestly, and talked frequently about his faith and spirtuality. I found a few articles connecting to ‘flow’ which, according to Wikipedia, which is obviously always right, is ‘the mental state of operation in which a person in an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energised focus, full involvement and success in the process of the activity’. Wikipedia includes Senna as one of its examples;  

"I was already on pole, [...] and I just kept going. Suddenly I was nearly two seconds faster than anybody else, including my team mate with the same car. And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension. I felt as though I was driving in a tunnel. The whole circuit became a tunnel... I had reached such a high level of concentration that it was as if the car and I had become one. Together we were at the maximum. I was giving the car everything - and vice versa."

I suppose this is why all of this ended up having such a profound impact on me. Like I said, it takes something truly remarkable to not so much alter your way of thinking, but to really enhance it in some way. I found that Senna triggered a completely different level of understanding about racing, and my perception of the sport is now entirely different. I have a level of respect and awe for it that never really existed in me before. The name Ayrton Senna now comes with all of the connotations that it has for so many other people, and not because the film was biased or promoted an agenda, but because it prompted me to go off and do my own research and thinking about the man. I don’t believe you need to be an avid follower of Formula 1 to really connect with his state of mind and his perceptions of competing and being the best person can be, both personally and professionally. While obviously not perfect, he is an inspiring figure, and I’m glad the film managed to really convey that. Just like Revolutionary Road, Senna baffles me. But for entirely different reasons.

We are made of emotions, we are all looking for emotions, it's only a question of finding the way to experience them. There are many different ways of experience them all. Perhaps one different thing, only that, one particular thing that Formula One can provide you, is that you know we are always expose to danger, danger of getting hurt, danger of dying."



Links: 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

'My home town is a whole different scenery, the old timers on the stoop leaning leisurely, the new jacks up in the bar smoking greenery'

Reality. 'The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them, eg:  "he refuses to face reality".' Intense, right? I, myself, much prefer the ever-omnipresent Urban Dictionary's #1 rated effort;

'A delusionary mental status caused by a pronounced deficiency of alcohol in the bloodstream'

Or, if you want to really go for a full-throttle, philosophical, life-reassessing definition, try entry 11;

'Reality has become a commodity. When money dictates the content of Wikipedia entries, reality may be defined by the highest bidder.' It's a bit much, but I like the real depth of feeling with that one.

I've heard the word a significant amount over the last week and a half. To give you some context, I've been away from the UK for nearly three years, pulled off a nifty little surprise and bounced right back into this so-called little reality last week. Australia for a year, New Zealand for nearing on two, Thailand for just five weeks. I've not been trekking through jungles for months on end, I've not been living up a nondescript mountain trying to find myself down the path of true enlightenment and I have certainly not been hopping from place to place the entire time. Hell, I haven't even lived in a non-English speaking country. What I've been doing isn't that different from life in the UK at all. It may involve a lot more jagerbombs than the normal human being would deem healthy, but aside from that, people do exactly what I did in my time away in thousands of places all across the globe. So what then, I hear you ask, is so fucking big and clever about travelling? Why have I come home feeling weird and antsy, and not quite ready for all of this 'reality' shit everybody keeps banging on about? In short, what makes coming home so hard?
Let's start with the obvious:

Why does one go travelling in the first place?

There's not really a cookie-cutter answer for this question. Reasons vary from person to person depending on circumstance and whatnot. I was only intending on going to Australia for a month when I first left, egged on by my brother, who had done a three and a half year stint in times gone by, to extend it to a year. A year became two, became three. My motivations were pretty much that I had just finished uni, didn't fancy the bright lights of London, the green fields and endless roundabouts of Hampshire or the 22,000 students of Cardiff when I was not one, and was real adverse to the idea of going full whack straight into a job that could define the next ten years of my life. I'd like to stress that this was because I had no idea what I wanted to do for the summer of 2009, let alone the ten summers after that. The people who know what they want to do with their lives should never forget that they really are extraordinarily lucky. Most importantly, I thought it would be a great way to extend the glory days of university; meeting new people, drinking myself blind and having next to no responsibility. My 20-year-old self liked to party, what can I say. My 23-year-old self still thinks she's 20.

OK, I get that. But where exactly is the value in it?

This is something that bothers me a great deal and I have an image of myself in 20 years being asked this question and gritting my teeth, rolling my eyes and counting to ten. It's like asking for the value in forging a career, getting a mortgage, settling down with your partner; things that society place great emphasis on in order to make you happy. If travelling makes you happy, isn't there an unbelievable value in it? And is it not slightly ignorant to even ask the question if that is the case? And if you really want to go further than that completely fucking obvious point, then let's go all out. I cannot stress enough how valuable I believe travelling can be for people. It builds your self-confidence in a unparalleled way, pushes you into new situations, makes you a great deal more open-minded and at times, forces you to really look in the mirror and come to terms with the things that perhaps ain't so pretty. I know that this is probably one of the most cliched terms that people use when discussing the merits of travel, but it's fucking true and that's why people say it: you learn a great deal about yourself. I will not apologise for saying that, as cheesy as it is, because I believe it whole-heartedly. So there.

But don't you miss home??

Sure. It'd probably be weirder if you didn't. The biggest thing I faced when I was away was loneliness. You make friends and have some relationships that will continue for years, but there are sometimes periods where things aren't so rosy and that's where the real test is. You may wonder what you're doing, where you're going next, you may get bored, unstimulated, confused. Home is maybe the first thing on your mind in those situations. But such is life; you go through ups and downs while travelling just like anybody else. It's not a perfect existence where you avoid the realities of being a human being; there are amazing times and there are shitty times. Some days you think of home, some days you don't. A lot of people make a decision, sooner or later, to go back to wherever home may be. Some people regret it, some don't. Whatever the case, home will always be a huge part of your life.

So, you're home. Back to reality. What are you gonna do now?

Jeepers. This is the question that terrified me on coming home. I threw myself headfirst into the wolfpack on my return; without really thinking through the inevitable 'HOLY SHIT!' thought processes that I was sure to experience, I decided to surprise my whole family at my Mum's 60th birthday party. 80+ people, some of whom I'd not seen for over ten years and all of them dying to ask the same question: 'So Francesca, what will you do now?'. After a barrage of these in a multitude of forms, I nearly decked the last person who asked me, which would've been a shame as I've known him as long as I can remember and he really does have a lovely vegetable garden. I made to sure to ask him about that before I made my excuses and ran away screaming into the night wondering what on earth I had done. I am slightly exaggerating, of course. But it's a difficult question to process within the first 24 hours of landing on home soil, particularly if you've not paid the concept much attention beforehand. Nearly two weeks later, it hasn't gotten much better. Most people I encountered, mostly those in my parents generation, thought after three years I would have 'gotten it out of my system' and would finally be ready to 'settle down' and get a 'real job'. I don't know. What the fuck is a 'real' job anyway? My experience of 'proper' jobs comes in the form of my friends, who after graduating have moved to the city, edged their way up the career ladder by working their asses off and in the process are doing pretty darn well for themselves. I am nothing but proud of them for that. The one thing I wish I could articulately explain is why I don't feel the need to do this yet. I totally get why they have made those decisions and I applaud them for it. Truth is, I am just not ready. I don't think it's wrong, I don't think it's invaluable and I don't think it's a waste. Far from it. I just know it's not the path for me yet. I have met a lot of people who have done the 9-5 thing, the career, the money and the professional and personal status. Some of them thrive on it. Some are miserable. Everybody is different and I just wish I could get across that all it is is a difference of perspective. Life can be as fulfilling travelling as it is when you have a made another move upwards in your career, or a step forwards in your personal life. The happiness that derives from travel has a simplicity that life in a career-driven place like the UK does not. As a good friend of mine said to me just yesterday;

'Traveling let's you appreciate the moment, not the impending stress of the future... I think it's more open minded, and for me, more relaxed and fair... You appreciate the smaller stuff. Happiness isn't measured in success or social standing. If you are happy you are happy.'

If this means you work 50 hours a week serving wet pussies and slippery nipples to shitfaced travelers in a backpacker bar, so be it. If it means you slave away in the sweltering sun picking various seasonal fruits on a farm in the middle of fucking nowhere, then you do what you gotta do. If it means handing out tedious flyers for ridiculous promotions on a dark winters night, at least you can console yourself that it is for a purpose. It is, for the most part, a means to an end; you do it so you can experience the world in the process and you should never look down on somebody for doing something that, in turn, will make them happy.

At the end of the day, that is what this very long-winded, nonsensical verbal diarrhea that I've just spouted is about - being happy. I think one of the main things I've taken out of my time away is to just try and make sure that that's what I am. However it is achieved, life really is too short for otherwise. The majority of Western culture, in my humble opinion, is over-populated with materialistic values, the craving for status and the inane need to make other people believe that you are succeeding in life. I find all of this a bit suffocating, and one of my favourite things about travelling is that it is an opportunity to give you an alternative. That said, I'm only 23 and I still have a hell of a lot to learn. I just hope I can do it with a little bit of pazazz, and a great big goofy grin on my face.

'For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move; to feel the needs and hitches of our life more nearly; to come down off this feather-bed of civilization, and find the globe granite underfoot and strewn with cutting flints.'
- Robert Louis Stevenson